Sunday, March 18, 2012

Weekend Update...

Happy weekend friends! I thought I would provide a weekend update as I have more time to sit in front of my lap top. Here is the current skinny:

1. I am down 175 pounds. I have gone from a size 28 pre-op to a size 12/14 depending on where I shop. My currently favorite NSV ("non scale victory" for those of you who don't speak the lingo) is that I am wearing clothes from Ann Taylor Loft and I had never stepped foot in there before. I have new underwear from Victoria's Secret and I haven't shopped there in YEARS! I've finally lost a cup size (people generally lose a lot from the chest after surgery but until now I only lost inches around) and am now a D instead of a DD woohoo! I won't go into the actual state of my girls as it is a sad one but at least they are still making an appearance. I remember being pre-op and listening to people on support forums talking about extra skin and saggy boobs...guess what, I don't care that my chest looks like tennis balls in tube socks, I feel fabulous! Shopping is a whole new world for me. Last time I was small enough to wear cool clothes I was a teenager so obviously I am not shopping where I did back then. I have to find all new places to shop and start thinking about how a size in one story is not the same in another. It's still tiring to shop and I'm not sure I am in love with it yet, but it feels good to have more options, even if I am overwhelmed by them.

2. I totally think and act like a smaller person! I bitch about not fitting in clothes, work outs, eating too much or the "wrong things" (even though my daily eating is healthy, we all know our skinny friends bitch about stuff like this all the time), and I catch myself looking at my reflection in store windows as I pass by. Now, I am not "into" myself by any means but I remember always teasing one of my best friends about mirror envy in high school and she will yell at me for posting this but I catch myself doing it now too! It't not because I love looking at myself or because I think I am all that, it's because I can't believe what I see and the more evidence I actually "see" to the contrary, the more I can believe that I have come this far and I can do this...forever and ever and ever and never go back. I complain that I don't work out enough and I could be doing more and at the same time am out for miles and miles of walks with my dogs that I couldn't have done 15 months ago. Along the same lines of thinking like a healthy person (I can't say skinny because there are many skinny people who are not healthy), I really think about food. I think about food in a smart and effective way. I am the protein shake queen around here when it comes to saying over and over like a broken record that protein shakes can be good for you AND taste good! I post my protein shake recipe all the time in hopes that people will see it, try it and realize that one of the best ways to lose is to bump up your daily protein numbers, especially after a workout or before bed when your body needs to keep working and digesting overnight so it doesn't shut down. A basic shake for me includes a scoop of fuzzy navel or chocolate truffle powder (23 grams of whey protein isolate, no sugar, no carb, 100 calories), 1/2 cup of milk (soy for extra protein) and 1/3 frozen banana (I keep a bag of these in my freezer all peeled and ready to go). From there the add ins are different. On days that I am not using the shakes as meal replacements and I need some extra protein, I simply use a scoop with milk or water in my shaker cup. Sometimes I even add 1/4 cup plain greek yogurt if I want extra protein. Here are examples of meal replacement  or after gym shakes:

Fuzzy Navel Protein Shake:
*One scoop Syntrax fuzzy navel powder (or any vanilla or fruit protein powder you like!)
*1/3 frozen banana
*3-4 strawberries or 1/4 cup raspberries (frozen or thawed)
*1/2 cup milk
*1 TB SF FF instant jello pudding powder (vanilla or banana cream flavor)
*ice cubes
*1/4 cup plain greek yogurt *totally optional*
*1 TB SF torani syrup (vanilla, raspberry, etc.)* totally optional*

Chocolate Truffle Protein Shake:
*One scoop Syntrax chocolate truffle powder (or any chocolate protein powder you like!)
*1/3 frozen banana
*2TB PB2 powdered peanut butter or 1TB PB2 and 1TB real peanut butter (I like the balance of real pb with the pb2 lower calories and higher protein)
*1/2 cup milk
*1 TB SF FF instant jello pudding powder (chocolate fudge or white chocolate flavor)
*ice cubes

Hope you enjoy!! The sugar free, fat free instance pudding powder is essential for a milkshake thick shake, makes it all worthwhile!

3. To get back to the updates...I can and WANT to do things I wouldn't have or couldn't have before. Yesterday we parked in the village of Liverpool by this coffee shop that is super cute, and walked the half mile to my grandparents house instead of driving right there. That way, we would have to walk back to the car and then I could reward myself with a sugar free soy latte while walking down to the lake and around the park. My grandfather helped build Johnson park in the village of Liverpool and his family is the reason there is a willow museum there too. I never would have just walked around the village, parked away from their house and walked anywhere without someone having to twist my arm. Yesterday I did all of that on my own desires.  I could have stayed out all day, it was so beautiful out! After a beautiful walk, the deck furniture came out AND the basketball saw some action in the driveway. It was never ending fun and I felt healthy, young and so free! My roller blades WILL be seeing the light of day this year!

4. Comparison pictures! I was reading the egg face blog (google it if you don't know who Shelly is) and she was talking about her motivators. One of them was looking at pictures and comparing what she saw/sees. Personally, I agree! When I am feeling like I am just not where I wanted or thought I should be, I take new or look at old pictures. Here are my most current comparisons.

The first is in September, 2010 and my sisters wedding. I was 364ish pounds of fun. The other pictures are me at 14-15 months post op and 189 pounds of taller looking, leaner looking me! I am still working on hitting my high/low goals of 180/160 and have 9-29 more to go. But I have to say that if I never moved another pound or inch, I would be happy with me. I can do all that I want and have to on a daily basis. I have stamina and sometimes, even confidence, although I struggle with seeing myself in a better light every single day. Just because the picture or mirror image changes does NOT mean you instantly love yourself more people, it's a sad reality post ops must face. You have to be really ready for something like this and know that it's dealing with the head just as much, if not more, than dealing with the physical. The physical and mental parts of the weight loss process do not always go hand in hand and need to be treated with equal respect. We need to nurture both. In honor of that, I am posting a song that reminds me of so many wonderful people I interact with daily on GFFL that do not quite know how beautiful they are but their beauty is sometimes even more enhanced by the fact that they do not know how amazing they are. Happy weekend loves!

Thursday, March 8, 2012

A Different World?

No, there will be no Dwayne Wayne in this post although I really did quite enjoy this show years ago and even more so now as I run across daily reruns. The topic I would like to address tonight is more focused on the questions so many people that have lost a great deal of weight have been asked (I suppose that a person who has GAINED a great deal of weight would be asked these questions too if people were not afraid to ask). I thought to write about these questions when reading a post by my GFFL sexy beasts. One of the women shared that her sister-in-law had emailed her asking if she now felt as though she were living in a different place now that she has lost so much weight. She responded in the affirmative and who the hell wouldn't?! You have most likely now lost a small or large person and as big as you were, you are NOW no longer invisible. That seems so ass backwards to me that as people we can be as big as two or three physical humans and ignored by the general masses...or insulted...or demeaned...or ignored...or altogether disregarded completely but the MINUTE we lose some pounds boy, watch out! Now, I can't speak for everyone because let's be honest...there are just some people who have been smacked with the ugly stick in physical appearance or personality (as I am inclined more to see on a daily basis...yes skinny bitches, you can still be skinny AND ugly on the inside AND out...have you ever heard of a "butter face?"). There are also some of us who don't see or notice a difference in the way people treat us. I personally have not felt like I get hit on more and I don't notice if and when people stare at me which, to me, goes to show you I am not out for your appreciation or acceptance. Yes, it feels good to receive compliments but I did not, nor did many of us, go into this to up the flirt factor...we did it to ourselves and for ourselves and we will work at it and live it every single day.

On one hand, doesn't it feel great to get some positive attention? On the other hand, doesn't it SUCK to have people asking you all the time how you feel and if you should be eating that? Yeah once you share this with people they are going to be scrutinizing everything you do but guess what...they probably were when you were fat too. One major part of our society is constantly scrutinizing each other. We don't want to admit it because it would be materialistic, shallow and mean. Well, too bad. It happens and even if you feel guilty for judging someone or thinking something snarky in your head, it's normal and it's sadly part of our culture because we are raised to be insecure. Magazines, TV, books, internet and even radio feeds into it. Haven't you heard the "join our free weight loss trial" ads during your morning constitutions or drives to work? It's a little ridiculous but it's there. So people are always going to look. The only thing we can do is adjust our comfort level, take one for the team and ignore the overly positive or negative or get a leg up on them and learn to say "leave me alone." And that is putting it gently...what you COULD be saying is "How in the hell would you like me to ask you how you are feeling as you shove that stupid cake in your mouth? Do you think you just gained a pound because you ate a bite of something a NORMAL person would eat? Then why would you ask ME that?!" We are all doing the best we can with what we've got and I have a cool tool that limits what my stomach can handle but guess what?! My brain and common ass sense has to tell my mouth not to eat too much for my stomach so I don't PUKE...just like your brain has to. So yes, I am feeling great, yes I can eat that one bite of something you can eat because I have self control and I don't want to blow the frick back up and yes i am taking all my vitamins...are YOU? I never write this but "LOL" this makes me laugh. We have to seriously stop scrutinizing everything people do and if you are going to do it, just keep it to yourself, it's a hell of a lot better if your dumb comments stay in your mouth rather than diarrhea out...but I digress.

The woman wanted to know if the world is a different place. Some people commented on this saying they notice people smiling more, laughing harder at their jokes, acting all around more courteous. Others said the attention made them uncomfortable, paranoid and overall uneasy. Others say that are told or they personally feel they are happier. Yeah you are happier, you are not carrying a baby hippo in your ass anymore! Maybe you are happier, more confident or maybe you are just carrying yourself taller and you simply radiate confidence. Any way you look at it though attention from others is something we handle on a very personal level and well all handle differently. It is a hard reality that healthier looking people receive nicer compliments, are treated with more respect and are often asked more often what their opinions are. Healthier looking people are healthier, honestly and that is something that we now rejoice in as the weight comes off. What is harder to deal with is dealing in general. You may have to rethink how you feel about some do you feel about the extra attention, what will your reactions be, what will you settle or strive for and how do you feel about you, because at the end of the day, that is all that matters. Our bodies don't just change in this journey, our minds do too. You may still be the same sweet and caring person you always were but you will see a lot of things differently. I know that for me, I stopped taking other people's crap for the most part. I am still working on getting that "yes" girl to stop saying yes so goddamn much. It's hard but it's a process, like everything else. We don't need to just physically strive and change but we also need to emotionally face and change some things. For me, I need to work on not caring so much what other people think or say. I am more comfortable in my skin and I do love me...I'm just a work in progress.