Monday, February 6, 2012


I am so sorry I haven't blogged in a good long while. It's all my fault and I have no one to blame but myself. Writing is something I love to do and when I don't make time for it I feel as though I let myself down a little bit. I know we are all busy with our daily lives, goals, trials and tribulations but if this journey has taught me nothing else, it is that we need to take some time away from things and focus on ourselves. So, for that, I am sorry "me" for letting "me" down, and I am sorry for you that you have not had any laughs at my expense in recent months. I will try harder. Onward and upward...

So I don't normally subscribe to the abbreviation of all things English language but O...M...G! I am no longer even considered obese! I am now officially "overweight" according to some male created BMI crap chart. However, it's still NOT "OBESE!!!!" Ahhh! The day I entered "Onderland" was just over one year post-op and I had struggled with fluctuating between 207 and 203. I pushed and pushed, went back to adding protein shakes into my everyday routine and low and behold...BAM! 199.9 one "beautiful" Syracuse morning! My doctors agree that now the trek is just to see how much more comes off while staying true to what makes me happy and how I want to look. I went into this wanting to get rid of the layers of woman I didn't like, the lazy, the depressed, the weak...and to someday have a better chance at being able to start a healthy family (other than my fur babies, of course). I have done most of those things already and it feels wonderful! This surgery and a new lifestyle has saved my life...quite possibly, literally. I got rid of the layers of that woman I was...the one that was so easily discouraged by weight loss that never felt like any loss was good enough...the one who would work out and work out and work out and feel like she was going nowhere...the one who would then get so discouraged that she would emotionally eat her way through entire bags, pints and containers of CRAP...the one who conquered emotional and stress eating before surgery but felt so incredibly stuck that all she wanted was to give up...and mostly, the woman who would take shit from others because she felt like she couldn't stand taller than her 5'8" 364 pound frame. I would like to wish that woman well but be glad I kicked her out of the world in which I live...because she is not welcome here.

Just a couple weeks later, after pushing some more, this is where I stand.  My doctors felt, and still feel that as long as I am under 200, I am OK. Well folks, that's not quite good enough for me. I am not striving to be some rail thin waif of a's not possible for someone with my birthing hips, broad shoulders and height. I would personally like to be somewhere between 160 and 180. As long as I am comfortable with how I feel and look...we'll go from there. I will have some extra skin, as I already do, but I see it as I see my stretch battle wounds...a reminder than I have been to hell and back and I am better for it. My extra skin may or may not be dealt with someday but do I really have to worry about before having kids? No, it's going to stretch back out anyway...I feel as though I have given my body a're welcome future baby...I stretched it out for you! I don't want to be any one's idea of perfect, none of us are and our harshest critics are ourselves (and other women). We all need to love ourselves a little more by doing things that make us feel good about ourselves. For me, that is eating right, exercising and standing up for myself in situations I used to back down from. I'm not saying I have free reign to be a bitch, but I can say "no thank you" when I take on too much and I can say "you were wrong" if you were. For me, that is HUGE! So focus on something that makes you I made sure I spent some time doesn't fix everything but it sure makes me feel good and I hope I made you feel good too. We are all works in progress on our unique canvases...take time out to paint a little today.