Thankful

I don't have any snazzy titles or quips for this blog. All I can say is that I am EXTREMELY thankful to be getting my life back. To others I am sure it seemed as though I was a strong, confident woman who was overall happy with herself and her life. This is partly true. I am a strong person who has made some mistakes when it comes to taking care of myself. I am a confident woman when it comes to helping others and listening to their problems. I am happy with my life in the way of my family and friends, my husband, home, job and beautiful furry babies. I was NOT strong when it came to dealing with my emotions for a long time...ergo I ate my feelings for years and only came to terms with those emotions when I felt like I had already strayed too far on the fat freeway and there was no U-turn available. I was not a confident woman in who and what I was as a person and I have to say I think that we all work on this our entire lives in some way, shape or form. I was not happy with my lack of a life. I wasn't living. I wasn't doing the things I love to do. I was not loving myself enough to change early on and by the time I was at 364 I felt so stuck in my body.

Did you know that I LOVE...effing LOVE roller coasters? How about skiing and kayaking and playing volleyball. Swimming? Water slides? Camping? Traveling? The list goes on. Did you know I liked to do these things in my past life? My past life, of course, being...skinny-dom. It is a kingdom I have not traveled to in many years and the first few years I was there I felt like an imposter because I had gotten there under false pretenses. I had dieted and starved myself, taken ephedra, not slept and limited my carb intake to bitch slap levels. I was a complete idiot but I knew no better and as "happy" as I was, I was also NOT very happy...as evidenced by the years following high school. I dealt with very difficult situations in a very self destructive way.  It took me years to face myself and I finally have. I will get to do the things I love again...even if I SUCK at them now!

On that note...it has been three months. I will get flack from friends about posting these pictures in more than one location...bite me...and enjoy! Three months, 75 pounds later...many to go but feeling wonderful and more importantly, like the real me...the beautiful, strong, confident and happy person I am meant to be. Thanks for all the support along the way friends!

The other kind of "Stall"...

I am annoyed. Not just "I didn't sleep well last night" or "the idiot neighbor left his lights on all night again" annoyed. This is STALL annoyance. Not just any stupid crappy bathroom stall either...but I suppose just as crappy. The worst kind of stall...a weight one. Grrr! So I have posted in the past on the blog and on my support forum about how stalls happen. I have read posts from people way more post-op than me, how weight loss after surgery is pretty consistent for the first 8-10 months and then slows down...plateaus...whatever. I get it. I understand that weight loss is like a long spiral staircase and that on the way down we hit different levels and plateaus where our bodies will need to rest from the previous pounds it has just lost so it can then keep going down to the next level. Again, I get it. Do I LIKE it? No...I...don't.

For two weeks I lost about a half pound per day. I was down 7ish pounds and had been welcomed into TWOville (299) with open arms and I was feeling SO great about my 65 pound loss. This week, I went back to work, worked out early in the week, ate the appropriate amount of calories, looked into some higher quality vitamins and lost NOTHING. In fact, because my hormones are so messed up with my "special Aunt Flo" coming to see me without warning and whenever she wants, I was up about 2 pounds and I know it wasn't from what I was eating. Even though I know I am doing everything right, I am still easily frustrated by stalls. Should I be? No. Should I even be weighing myself as much as I am? Hell no! I can't help it, I do and I am bothered by the stalls. I know my body is adjusting and taking a rest before losing again, I do. I know that when we stall, we are probably not only preparing for the next loss but also losing some inches in the process. I know I should be measuring myself but I hate to. I know I should have taken a "right before" surgery picture and be taking pictures now too. I don't because I am not down to a point where I want to show a full body picture to anyone. If I don't see a ton of change, how will others? If I see someone I haven't seen in a while and they don't notice any difference, why would I be motivated to show pictures of myself to others yet? I'm not so it won't be happening right now. For now, I keep plugging through the resting levels on my very long, personal spiral staircase. I keep hoping I find my castle below the clouds. Until then, I will take one big breath and then another until I am rested enough to take on the next level. There are not banisters any of us can slide down on this staircase to heaven (sorry couldn't resist).