I'm back! I know it has been a long time and as much as I am sure I wasn't really missed as we all lead busy lives, I missed writing and I need to be a more active participant in my rantings so they don't simply stay in my head. So, to tackle this problem head on, let's talk about our heads since most of our problems originate here, whether our problems stem from food...ummm other issues...
It's amazing how much we let ourselves "forget" when we really put our minds to it. For instance, I forgot what it was like to do a lot of things I used to do. This summer I spoke about kayaking and roller coasters, rollerblading and my intent to ski this coming winter if it kills me, and it might. I forgot about what it was like to receive compliments on my appearance, to receive attention from both sexes in positive and negative ways and more than anything I forgot how to feel sexy as a woman. However, those are the big things I forgot about as I was eating myself to 364 pounds of no-fun fatness. I stopped doing and feelings all of those wonderful things and, therefore, I stopped really living certain parts of my life.
The little things I forgot about are now starting to become big things as my loss slows down a bit. These upsetting memories are yanked from my subconscious into the light of current day. I thought I had pushed them WAY down into the memory abyss but alas, they resurface and remind me about a place to which I will never allow myself to return. I read a blog the other day that jarred a memory about one of the obese person's worst nightmares in school...generally high school and college...the connected desk chair...the DHAIR! When you are a bigger person, and I could mean heavy or tall really, you dread the DHAIR! You will go out of your way to set the alarm clock early to get to the class before others so that you can either find the biggest one there is OR find the one desk and chair not connected to anything OR sit with the removable part bent down and write on the desk next to you, claiming you are just more comfortable that way. God forbid if you had to adjust any of these things with other people in the room because the embarrassment could ruin your day and send you into another sad eating binge. If it was going to mean a lot of re-arranging, you might even just cram yourself into the thing and do your best not to cry or vomit as you crush the extra person inside you. The DHAIR is the worst...WAS the worst. I sat in one today as I was talking to a colleague and I had so much room to spare that my instant bad memory was abolished by my joy as I sat with my legs crossed all lady like feeling pretty. Screw you DHAIR...back to the abyss with you!
I'm sure I will have these little revelations from time to time, like almost being able to borrow my mom's belt (she's much shorter and lighter than I...love you mom!) and realizing I can wear calf and knee boots now. However, I also still get the random..."well it's obvious you are carrying some extra weight on you" from people that didn't know me even a year ago...random people who go in and out of my life that I should not let effect me or my self image because they don't know where I have been or where I am going...I should simply take their words and use them to keep working hard and I do...it's not their fault they may have a case of diarrhea of the mouth and pre-judginess without looking in the mirror once in a while themselves. You can't change people, only yourself. The little revelations will get me through now that much of my loss has slowed and many of the big ah-ha's have passed...the revelations and my memories.