29 Forever

Well, I am now 29...in the last year of my twenties...shit. I knew this day would come and you can say I am being dramatic all you want but I will still say the same thing...shit. My birthday went off without any issues big or small and I received some very nice cards, wishes and gifts from the people I care about. What more could a girl ask for? Not much. What made me laugh on my birthday was that I had after school meetings, half a voice (that story will follow shortly) and I was so tired I could have fallen asleep at my desk during my lunch. The first week going back to work after a break is always a hard one for me and I didn't sleep well Sunday through Thursday. This weekend has been my saving grace...I guess I really am getting old.

So the reason I had half a voice on my birthday was because I hosted a "Pure Romance" or "Tupperware" party, as I like to refer to these events. And I do mean...events. The night before I turned 29 I had a few friends over to bring in the last sane year of my life with a bang. And boy was it bangin...or buzzin...or strappin. These parties are a total riot. Our consultant from Pure Romance, Mary, was hysterical and the stuff she brought even better. I never thought that I would write about this in my WLS blog but let's be honest, 96 pounds ago, the strap on dildo that Mary made me wear for about 45 min, would not have fit. I know, at least I would have had an easy out but at this point, it feels great to have anything and everything on that fits, even a pink rubber penis. My friend Liz has pictures of the two of us posing for the camera, not that it will ever make it here, but she was a trooper for strapping on the purple people eater to make me feel that I was not alone. She's awesome...period.

The strap-on was just the beginning of the party during which I discovered too much about my mother (love you mom), my friends and myself. We played a game where we had to move to the right if we had done something our consultant decreed and if someone was sitting there, well, sit on their lap. My pink strap-on made this difficult for some as they received a little love poke when having to sit on my lap. There is so much more I could tell you, but you just need to host or attend one of these parties to believe it. Did you know that you can judge the sensitivity of your nether regions by placing a vibrating toy on the tip of your nose? Did you? Well, now you do. Boy, my family really shouldn't read this entry...complete trash...LOL.  One of the reasons I enjoyed this party so much was...well...there were a few. The fact that "if the dildo fits" actually applied to me was awesome in itself. Other than that, the laughing, facial expressions of hilarity and horror and overall presence of wonderful women, really made my birthday special. So thank you ladies!

The other thing that made my birthday special was all the facebook love I received all day. I have my wall posts sent to my phone and since I received so much love, my phone was buzzing all day. After work, my husband and I had a wonderful dinner followed by my mom and dad coming over to the house for a bit. My mom, amazing as she is, attempted to make a half size of her deliciously famous chocolate oil cake sugar free for me but could not figure out how to make her butter cream icing sugar free (p.s. got the answer from Jeannine...put splenda into food processor and it will turn into powdered splenda perfect for powdered sugar substitute). I discovered two things...not that I didn't know this but my mom is the absolute best and most thoughtful, supportive mom I know. And the other thing is that my sugar tolerance is not so low as to not allow me to have a 1-2 inch squared piece of mostly sugar free birthday cake. It was one of those experiences that felt good to be feeling normal enough to try that and at the same time be thankful that it is not a part of my everyday diet. I thought it was very good but I just don't have too much of a sweet tooth or desire for carbs or baked goods in general. All in all it was a great first birthday since beginning this new part of my life and again, I am thankful and appreciative of all the love and support.

She has Risen...

So, let me say first...Happy Easter to all of you who celebrate! Today was a really fun day for me for a few reasons The first being that I got to spend time with my husband, mom, dad, aunt, and grandparents and that is always a fun time...more so in recent years as the older members of my family have conveniently forgotten their verbal filters and say whatever they choose to say without apology. This "no-filter policy" is unwritten in the handbook and can contain anything from a variety of old racist terminology to the pronunciation of a word to who claims credit for some silly event or saying.

During two holidays (thus far) this year, a dictionary has been brought to the table to prove something or another about some seriously ridiculous word or expression. The first incident was during Thanksgiving when the dictionary was hunted down so that the correct pronunciation of "Horrible" could be found. The argument was "hORibble" versus "hARible." I say it's the one that sounds like a fun name for street walkers, prostitutes or ladies of the night...sort of like "Whoreible" which took the conversation to a whole other level as the argument continued for maybe an hour or so. The topic on Easter Sunday was the definition of the phrase "Cul-de-sac." Now, this was discussed in the car on the way to my Aunt's house, when we got there, and around the dinner table when my Dad got up to go look up the definition. This is what it literally means: "Bottom of a Sack." Yeah...let that one sink in. Enter into my world for a second and really try to understand that the word most used around the dinner table on Easter Sunday was the word "Sack." There was snickering and sexual references being made by my Dad and almost 92 year old Grandfather as well as the discussion of whether or not the plural would be "Cul de sacS" or "CulS de sac"...yeah...really. This was just the beginning of our conversational prowess...let me tell you!

The other reason I really loved today was that I got to focus so much more on those inane and hilariously inappropriate conversations with my family because I wasn't focused on my plate, the food on it, or on refilling it. I had my small piece of ham and a small spoonful of most things on the counter and licked some lemon curd off my finger for dessert. I waited my five minutes in between bites, sat back and laughed with my family. There was no silly drama, no real meaningful talk of politics (it's pointless really in my family) and people only griped about the cost of gas for about five minutes. We laughed, avoided stepping on my Aunt's really fat cat (watch out, she bites) and repeated stories (this is what happens when people who cannot hear well sit at opposite sides of the table) and had a nice time being with each other. There was no food coma and I feel really great coming home and not collapsing on some sofa somewhere. Instead of my diet, my LIFE was rich today and so again, I am so very thankful. Here's hoping that no matter what you did today, you had a wonderful time doing it!

Have you ever...

So I absolutely L.O.V.E. PINK...the performer, the singer, the woman, the role model, the cursing like a sailor, be me at any cost, say what I need to say and the hell with everyone else...PINK. As I was finishing up some craptastically long reports for work, I was listening to my i-tunes in the background and PINK's "Glitter in the Air" began to play on my "Easy Listening" playlist. Now, I am sure this song has many different meanings to many different people but the following lines touched me and made me feel more empowered to be the person on the outside that I already am on the inside...a funkily-fantastic retail therapy shopping FABU-Gorg-wah strong and empowered 20-something (we won't mention that I am quickly approaching my last year in Twenty-dom). What would you feel inside if you heard these words inside a beautiful crooning melody...

Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands...close your eyes and trust it, just trust it...have you ever thrown a fistful of glitter in the air? Have you ever looked fear in the face and said "I just don't care?"...Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone...your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone? Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry? Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?...there you are sitting in the garden, clutching my coffee calling me "sugar" you called me "sugar"...have you ever wished for an endless night? Lasso the moon and the stars and pull that rope tight...have you ever held your breath and asked yourself "will it ever get better than tonight?"

 I think that although it may have had a very different meaning to her, PINK really spoke to all of us as individuals. We wait, most of us, a very long time to make the decision to do this great big horribly wonderful thing...changing our lives. We wait by the phone for strangers to tell us we're not alone, we can do this...oh and in the case of the WLS patient "you've been approved for surgery." We hesitate to throw that glitter in the air, love ourselves enough to take this crazily wonderful step towards our new lives and then we invite more strangers...the nurses and the surgeons, the support group leaders and fellow patients, our WLS family...into our lives. But before we throw that glitter... that first step...many of us, in any bad situation wish for that "endless night." All we want to do is sleep away the fat, the depression, the ugly, the not-being-able-to-do what-we-want-to-do blues. We hold our breaths and pray to look...act...be able to act like ourselves in a world that doesn't accept us for who we are on the outside, no matter what our de-function. PINK would say that is complete and utter horseSHIT...be yourself, whoever that is, whoever you want it to be.

Our country may be one of the most free in the world, but we are also one of the most judgmental...and I fully believe that. Yes, if you are willing to put your hands up, throw the glitter, that hope in the air...that we will all be able to welcome all the new strangers, all the new experiences and say "I just don't care" in the face of all those who would have us question our choices in life, no matter what they are they are OURS and no one else's. We are the only ones who will pay for them, in whatever form of currency we will be charged in. No one can tell me which exchange rate I should have to pay. Screw them all for thinking they can tell any of you how to LIVE your lives. We all only get one...so smile, LIVE and LOVE yourself enough to do what is best and right for you...you will thank yourself later. I know I have. I have thanked myself, my husband, my family, my friends, my doctors and all of you out there in BLOG world and I will thank you many more times in years to come. The biggest thanks has to go to me, however...so THANKS me...thanks for believing in yourself...thanks for taking a huge and controversial step...thanks for thinking of the children you want to have and grow old holding...thanks for working so hard to lose 85 pounds in 3 1/2 months and THANKS for believing it can always get getter than tonight...cause tonight is pretty great but tomorrow can be even better!

Thankful

I don't have any snazzy titles or quips for this blog. All I can say is that I am EXTREMELY thankful to be getting my life back. To others I am sure it seemed as though I was a strong, confident woman who was overall happy with herself and her life. This is partly true. I am a strong person who has made some mistakes when it comes to taking care of myself. I am a confident woman when it comes to helping others and listening to their problems. I am happy with my life in the way of my family and friends, my husband, home, job and beautiful furry babies. I was NOT strong when it came to dealing with my emotions for a long time...ergo I ate my feelings for years and only came to terms with those emotions when I felt like I had already strayed too far on the fat freeway and there was no U-turn available. I was not a confident woman in who and what I was as a person and I have to say I think that we all work on this our entire lives in some way, shape or form. I was not happy with my lack of a life. I wasn't living. I wasn't doing the things I love to do. I was not loving myself enough to change early on and by the time I was at 364 I felt so stuck in my body.

Did you know that I LOVE...effing LOVE roller coasters? How about skiing and kayaking and playing volleyball. Swimming? Water slides? Camping? Traveling? The list goes on. Did you know I liked to do these things in my past life? My past life, of course, being...skinny-dom. It is a kingdom I have not traveled to in many years and the first few years I was there I felt like an imposter because I had gotten there under false pretenses. I had dieted and starved myself, taken ephedra, not slept and limited my carb intake to bitch slap levels. I was a complete idiot but I knew no better and as "happy" as I was, I was also NOT very happy...as evidenced by the years following high school. I dealt with very difficult situations in a very self destructive way.  It took me years to face myself and I finally have. I will get to do the things I love again...even if I SUCK at them now!

On that note...it has been three months. I will get flack from friends about posting these pictures in more than one location...bite me...and enjoy! Three months, 75 pounds later...many to go but feeling wonderful and more importantly, like the real me...the beautiful, strong, confident and happy person I am meant to be. Thanks for all the support along the way friends!

The other kind of "Stall"...

I am annoyed. Not just "I didn't sleep well last night" or "the idiot neighbor left his lights on all night again" annoyed. This is STALL annoyance. Not just any stupid crappy bathroom stall either...but I suppose just as crappy. The worst kind of stall...a weight one. Grrr! So I have posted in the past on the blog and on my support forum about how stalls happen. I have read posts from people way more post-op than me, how weight loss after surgery is pretty consistent for the first 8-10 months and then slows down...plateaus...whatever. I get it. I understand that weight loss is like a long spiral staircase and that on the way down we hit different levels and plateaus where our bodies will need to rest from the previous pounds it has just lost so it can then keep going down to the next level. Again, I get it. Do I LIKE it? No...I...don't.

For two weeks I lost about a half pound per day. I was down 7ish pounds and had been welcomed into TWOville (299) with open arms and I was feeling SO great about my 65 pound loss. This week, I went back to work, worked out early in the week, ate the appropriate amount of calories, looked into some higher quality vitamins and lost NOTHING. In fact, because my hormones are so messed up with my "special Aunt Flo" coming to see me without warning and whenever she wants, I was up about 2 pounds and I know it wasn't from what I was eating. Even though I know I am doing everything right, I am still easily frustrated by stalls. Should I be? No. Should I even be weighing myself as much as I am? Hell no! I can't help it, I do and I am bothered by the stalls. I know my body is adjusting and taking a rest before losing again, I do. I know that when we stall, we are probably not only preparing for the next loss but also losing some inches in the process. I know I should be measuring myself but I hate to. I know I should have taken a "right before" surgery picture and be taking pictures now too. I don't because I am not down to a point where I want to show a full body picture to anyone. If I don't see a ton of change, how will others? If I see someone I haven't seen in a while and they don't notice any difference, why would I be motivated to show pictures of myself to others yet? I'm not so it won't be happening right now. For now, I keep plugging through the resting levels on my very long, personal spiral staircase. I keep hoping I find my castle below the clouds. Until then, I will take one big breath and then another until I am rested enough to take on the next level. There are not banisters any of us can slide down on this staircase to heaven (sorry couldn't resist). 

The Scale Never Lies...

I previously mentioned the Thinner Times forum as one of the best places for any question a WLS patient may have. Not everyone there knows what they're talking about, however, so you need to weed out those who have been living the life long term from those who may be pre-op and not as well informed as others. This goes without saying for anything you find on the internet and in forums in general, but some people still need the "dummies" version of the book. Last night I was reading a thread someone posted inquiring help about how many calories a day we should be eating post-op. This is a really really REALLY relevant question...mainly because I had the same one and of course my questions are the most important (even though I had not had the guts yet to ask it myself). There were so many replies my head was reeling. 

The thing is, you are going to get a different answer from each person that has a different doctor, in a different state, who went to a different medical school and heard their info from a different professor or research study. I saw every single answer from 400...to 800...to 1200...to 1500! Are you kidding me?! I have asked my nutritionist the SAME question and do you want to know what the NUT said? Really? She said not to even worry about the calorie intake as long as I am getting my protein requirements for the day...which are above 50...which will spark a whole other debate on the forum (more than 50...70...80...1 gram per pound of goal weight...so for me that would be 150 grams a day?!). Let's stick with this one for now and when my hair starts falling out (which it better now, damnit) we can discuss protein again. So the forum has numbers all over the spanking place and my doctors are telling me something completely different. This is what I decide to do...

I chart my every single day intake on sparkpeople.com (it's amazing and awesome and you all should join because it's amazing to see what we do with ourselves daily). I track my calories, fat, protein and carbs. I also track my fitness minutes, fruit/vegetable and water intake. In terms of protein, I strive for at least 60-70 grams, if not more, a day. In way of calories, however, let me break it down. As time goes on in pretty pretty post-op land, one can consume more ounces of food. I was on liquids, then soft foods, then about a week afterwards I was eating about 2oz of food at each meal. Two months out, I can now eat about 3-5 ounces of food (depending on what and how dense it is: ground meat versus stew with lots of soft veggies). When I was about a month out, I was eating between 300-500 calories a day tops. I just couldn't get in more than that and my body was definitely in starvation mode. I was still healing too, so I felt tired all the time from taking in so little and recuperating. Now, I am able to thrive on about anywhere between 600-900 calories daily. I never break 1000 and although many people would say I am too high, many others say I am wayyyy too low. I find that varying my caloric intake helps me more than staying on the low or high side multiple days in a row. Here's why...

Simply put, sometimes you HAVE to eat more to lose more. That doesn't mean go out and hang out with all the police officers at DD on a daily basis. What it means is that if you eat too few calories, no matter who you are, your body will go into starvation mode and hold onto all the fat it can for dear life. Our bodies panic, and instead of losing weight on the scale, we stall out or even gain a pound or so. The stall can be the biggest bitch of all. I looked back at my weigh-ins on spark during the time I would lose about a pound a day and then stall and not really lose the next week. Now, I know that our bodies play catch up with us and the not losing is a sign the body is readjusting. However, I have found that since I have upped my intake and vary the calories I am eating daily ( day 1: 630, Day 2: 800, Day 3: 732 etc.) I have lost weight more consistently without the dreaded stall for more than a day or so. Also, I will eat on the higher end of my numbers on days I work out for more than 30 minutes and also up the fluid intake. The science of it all is too much for me and if I read another post right now about who thinks or has heard what about calorie intake, I may cut a bitch. But in the end, it's not anyone's fault, yet again, that we do not have an accurate picture of what we need to do. We each have an individual body that has very different needs from the next person. What works for you may not work for me and vice versa. All we can do is support the choices of our friends and online community members, and keep asking and answering questions. Sometimes half the battle of not feeling alone is knowing someone else is just as confused as you are. 

I'll have the vitamins with a side of VITAMINS please...

 I was very puzzled today. I am a member of a support forum called Thinner Times and it is mainly for people who are thinking about or have been through Gastric Bypass, Lapband surgery, or Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy.  It is a FABULOUS resource for all things weight loss surgery-related. The people there are as real as it gets. Those who have had wonderful recoveries and results post as well as those who have been through the wringer (not even the proverbial wringer). People post classifieds, questions, concerns, ventings and social/emotional issues as well as the everyday WOW moments. I have definitely posted my fair share of questions as well as my own WOW moments (i.e. losing 60 pounds and two pant sizes and being able to find jeans in a regular department store versus "Shame Bryant."). I can't say enough wonderful things about the forum and about its people. 

So as I am browsing the threads and responding to someone's post about what kinds of vitamins people who are post-op take, I realize my doctors may not have my best interest at heart...or their own professional interest long term, if you know what I mean. The deal-io is that people who have bypass are at serious risk for mal-absorption issues throughout the rest of their lives...our lives...shit...my life now. I knew that going in and that's why I had a wonderful multi-vitamin and iron chewable all lined up. It is called Bariatric Fusion and according to my doctor and the effing bottle, all I will need "for life" is two chewables, twice daily in order to get what I need as a baratric patient. WRONG. According to the ASBS.org (American Society for Metabolic & Bariatric Surgery), I would need 8 of these little chalky suckers just to help me prevent Osteoporosis, if not neurological problems etc. The bottle says 4, the ASBS says I would need to have 8 (200% daily value doses) and I say WTF?! Why make a product that is called "Bariatric" Fusion if it is not going to follow the guidelines that prestigious researchers put out there. And of top of that, why in the hell doesn't my nutritionist KNOW this about these shit heads and tell me, "Amy, you are either going to chew yourself to death eating 8 of these chalky wonders a day OR find a better vitamin than the one we encourage you (because we are probably getting paid to do so) to take." Isn't is the job of the nutritionist to keep the patients healthy so that research continues to show that they can do their freaking jobs? Just a thought.

Well, now I have to print out the damn ASBS document that says clearly what we need as patients and be one of those annoying broads that brings it IN to my next appointment ALONG with my Fusion vitamin bottle, and says "What in the hell is wrong with this picture?" until someone listens to me. THEN, I am going to need to find a different vitamin regimen. Thank heavens for the forum...they did not tell me what I should do but directed me towards two other acceptable vitamins for bariatric patients and I am getting some free samples in the mail. The "Celebrate" company apparently stands by their word when it comes to their products and does, in fact, supply all the vitamins I will need along the way. I may have to take 2 multis, 2 iron, 1 sublingual, 203 chewable calcium etc. a day but at least I will know that if I fall down at the ripe old age of 30, I may, just MAY not break a hip. Thanks for all the great support "bariatric" center. Way to stay up and current on research and vitamin guidelines so the health of your patients shines in the research of years to come. REALLY?! Thanks.